The snowshoe season is nigh; a time to transform one’s body and soul into snow stomping shape. In case the weather in your neck of the woods won’t allow you to burst out the front door into the drifts just yet, I’ve compiled a list on how you can get a jump on the competition and put yourself in the right frame of mind:
1. Christmas Decorations – Santa Clause needs to be prominently displayed throughout your house starting now. By-pass all Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations because you’ve got to mentally prepare yourself to face winter. By increasing the amount of snowy images in your home you’ll be armed and ready by December to face the elements and supplant Bigfoot as the true snow beast.
2. Give out competitor’s addresses from your age group – For those in the sport of snowshoe running, this will give you an advantage all winter long. Feel free to give out peer’s addresses to any Jehovah’s Witnesses, Amway salespeople, and local Girl Scout troops. Through steady, untraceable harassment, you will be the one getting the medals as the rest pay for boxes of Thin Mints by selling soap products to their relatives while spreading the word of Jehovah door-to-door.
3. Eat soy ice cream – Chocolate chip cookies are delicious, but if you eat too many you’ll be encased in an unattractive fat suit. Soy ice cream has a lot less baggage in its’ contents, plus it’s basically made out of liquid beans; think about that as you make another mad dash to the bathroom.
4. Recalibrate your vocabulary – A series of practice phrases can help you achieve that “switch” in your language that’ll enable you to “shoe” in a heavily snowed forest with ease. Just change a few words in any ordinary sentence. So, a phrase such as “Man, Carlos, that sun sure is hot,” becomes, “Man, Boris, that sun sure is uncold.” By subtly changing select words, you can trick yourself into believing that the world is in perpetual winter.
5. Read a Book – Supplement your library with the controversial and best selling book, “I am the Yeti,” by Pierre Jones, the first man to climb Mt. Everest in snowshoes with a penguin. Take notes as this French Canadian Yak herder thrills and educates you with chapters like, “Iced Binding Blues,” and “Don’t you know who I am? Why I’m Monsieur Pierre Jones!” Also, check out Pierre’s newest book, “My Penguin is Frozen,” currently retailing for 29.99.
6. Trail blaze your own path to glory – When Alberta Clippers shoot down from Canada most citizens would rather huddle close to a fire with a cup of cocoa. But you face the unfaceable, gorging your mind and body on a feast of snowshoe romps through stilled pine forests. Let others know what you are capable of. Have your picture taken during a raging snow squall. Next, transpose that photo onto poster size cutouts. After you’ve created a half dozen of these, write at the bottoms, “Snowshoeing God on Earth.” Lastly, plaster the finished product at prominent businesses. Get the Word out so the mortals can have the same opportunity as you.
For you to experience the pleasure that is snowshoeing the time to act is now. By following these guidelines you can walk into the grocery store and people will stare and point, whispering amongst themselves of your unnatural ability to stand defiant to the meanest of winter storms. You’ll attract a fan base, culminating with your very own fan-club meeting at the local VFW Hall. If you’re ready to have your name and image reach mythical proportions, listen to what I’ve told you today. Seize what has been your birth rite since…birth.