From the looks of it here in Toronto, Ontario, it’s shaping up to be one of the warmest winters on record. All suggestive climatic inferences aside, I for one am really bummed out. For a place that’s known to get at least some flurries each year, we’ve only had two snowfalls and it’s all melted away within a couple of days. I was looking forward to a few good toboggan runs, some snowmen and a snowball fight or two against the local cohort of precocious raccoons.
On top of all that, my friends at Caribou Inc. over in Montreal were looking forward to lush, white winter to help with their North American launch of Baldas Snowshoes, a product by Ferrino, a winter clothing company based out of Italy. Rest assured, Baldas Snowshoes are top notch. Available in a variety of fashionable colors, every pair is made from highly durable and flexible materials with a variety of models to suit your trekking or leisure needs. All this is great, except there is no snow for us to promote our outstanding product.
Alas, I’m a glass half full sort of guy. With this in mind, here are fifteen uses for your newly purchased Baldas Snowshoes so you can get the most out of your pair whether it snows this winter or not.
1. Leafshoeing – A close relative to snowshoeing, this will have to suffice until that thick canopy of fresh white powder blankets our terrain. The first step is to locate the nearest mangrove of unkempt leaves. If none can be found, don’t panic. Simply grab a rake or leaf blower and go to town. Then, once you’re ready, throw on that pair of Baldas Snowshoes and scrunch, scrunch, scrunch those leafs away to your heart’s content.
2. Woodcarving – With temperatures vacillating above freezing far too often this winter, the ice just hasn’t had the time to crystallize. So, instead of ice sculpting, head on over to your local scrap yard and get some old wood. Next, use the jagged metal teeth on the bottom of every pair of Baldas Snowshoes to carve your dreams out. And if you aren’t happy with your creation, it’ll still make for good kindling.
3. Water-skis – Even though it isn’t all that cold north of the Mason-Dixon Line, that still hasn’t stopped the weekend warriors from sojourning down to warmer pastures in Florida, Mexico or the Caribbean. Well, good news! Your snowshoes can act as a good substitute for water-skis if you let them. This will save you from some hefty ski rental fees. Just be sure to check your snowshoes on the airplane as they don’t make for a very sky-marshal-friendly carry-on.
4. Super-Powered High Heels – Much like the water-skis idea, snowshoes are a great alternative for those pesky high heels. Whether it’s for the office, a restaurant, a party or a nightclub, snowshoes give you all the extra height advantage with none of the balance issues commonly associated with wobbly stilettos. Plus, Baldas Snowshoes are one-size-fits-all for additive comfort. The last thing we want is for you to trip and get a boo-boo because you were coerced to wear dangerous five-inch pumps. Safety first, people!
5. Tennis Rackets – Without the snow, that clay court down the block is primed for extended hours of operation. But, as you are probably already aware, winter is the season when you re-string your rackets, so they are probably all still in the shop. Never fear, Baldas Snowshoes are here, and they are ready for any racketeering sport you can muster. Think squash, badminton and of course the titular racquetball. Bonus points for ping pong.
6. Home Renovations – Gorbachev, tear down that wall…with snowshoes! Kick and scrape away that musty old drywall. Stomp out those floorboards. Avoid hazardous nails and pieces of glass hiding on the ground. Whatever your fancy, snowshoes and construction sites are a match made in a union local’s head office.
7. Can Opener – Keeping with the homestead and communist themes, you can put those Baldas claws to work in the kitchen. It’s so often the case these days that the two dollar, made-in-China can openers just won’t saw through the thick American steel canisters packed full of juicy Californian orange slices. How will you ever get your Vitamin C? Scurvy be damned! If the talons on the bottoms of Baldas Snowshoes can cut through frigid Alpine ice, than by golly they are up to the task of helping you get at those succulent pinto beans.
8. Cutting a Rug – Truth be told, I didn’t know this was an expression until this morning. Apparently it means to dance on a rug so vigorously that you rip the rug apart. Well, if you are in the business of making metaphors a reality, than throw on your Baldas Snowshoes and your favorite disco beats then go to town. Please note, we don’t reimburse damaged carpeting.
9. Grating Cheese – Back to the kitchen, and this is where it really gets practical. Have you ever been in a stitch where you have so much cheese to grate that it requires two people? Research shows that over 90% of North American households only have one tool designated as a grater of cheese or other coagulated dairy products. So, before you hop in the car on a late night prowl for that emergency second cheese grater, consider subbing in your Baldas Snowshoes.
10. Tenderizing Meat – Here at Baldas, we’re all about organic – organic steel and most definitely organic plastic. Thus, it’s totally in line with our beliefs to promote the organic meat trade as well as those who tenderize their own stock to ensure the leanest and highest quality animal ingredients in their meals. That is why Baldas Snowshoes are great substitute for when you find yourself minus one meat grinder. Try them out for burgers, tacos or meatballs. Just be sure to sterilize your snowshoes before and after each use.
11. Crushing Grapes for Winemaking – Have you ever dreamed of being a vintner, but lacked the right machine to crush all those thousands of grapes for you? Well, once again, Baldas Snowshoes have come to the rescue. We can’t promise the smoothest product, but that’s okay. Have you ever heard of a Vin Gris? It’s a red wine that only goes through the first press, giving it a radiant amber coloration with a tart, playful flavor. By using our snowshoes, you ensure that every crush gets you the best Vin Gris around.
13. Miniature Catapult – The sleek and prescient Baldas Snowshoes design allows for smooth ankle flexion and extension without overloading the metatarsal or talocrucal joints. This same feature also has enough elastic energy to act as a catapult, or trebuchet if you will. Perfect for clandestine office pranks or getting even with your neighbor who never clears out his garbage. Or, better yet, take some of those meatballs you previously tenderized and have yourself an E. coli-free food fight.
12. Snowshoe Kickboxing – By itself, snowshoeing is already great exercise. The problem is there’s no snow! Instead, bring your Baldas Snowshoes to the gym and get ready to burn those calories by the hundreds. The added weight of the snowshoes forces your legs to work harder, building your hip flexors to a sprinter’s level and activating those stabilizer muscles to improve your joints. If you do one thing this winter, consider your own health by incorporating snowshoes into your exercise routine.
14. Self Defense – Now is the time to put those newly acquired snowshoe kickboxing skills to good use. Whether you are locked in a dead-end alleyway or even if you find yourself in a precarious game of cat and mouse with a Grizzly Bear, your snowshoes will be a handy tool to get out safe and sound. And again, self defense burns calories.
15. Freaking Out the Establishment – Alas, snowshoeing isn’t the mainstay it once was before the days of such things as ‘roads’, ‘cities’ and ‘global warming’. In fact, you’d be hard-pressed to find a single person snowshoeing to work nowadays. For shame. It’s about time we reengaged our traditional values and showed the rest of the world just how much they are missing without a pair of snowshoes under their feet. Take them on the subway. Parade them through the malls. Do whatever it is you do, but bring your snowshoes along for the ride. People might give an odd look or a furrowed brow, but you know better. You’re in the know. Not owning a pair of snowshoes is their loss, not ours. And did I mention that snowshoeing to work is eco-friendly?